Excerpt: All I Ever Wanted
As the man I loved approached my office, the image of a deer being hit by a truck came to mind. I was the deer, metaphorically speaking, and Mark Rousseau was the pickup truck of doom.
But here's the thing. The deer always freezes, as we all know, hence the expressionlike a deer caught in the headlights. The deer and I (Callie Grey, age thirty as of 9:34 this very morning) are well aware that the pickup truck is going to hit us. But we just stand there, waiting for the inevitable, whether it's a pickup truck or a man walking athletically toward me, perpetual smile in place, his brown hair carelessly curling, those gorgeous, dancing dark eyes. I waited, doe-eyed. It was all really too bad, because outside of Mark's influence, I was not at all a deer about to be run down. I was much more of an adorable, perky hedgehog or something.
"Hey," Mark grinned.
Bam! We have impact. The sunlight streamed through the windows of the old brick office building in which Mark and I worked, illuminating him so that he looked like something painted by Michelangelo. To make him even more appealing, he was wearing an old sweater vest his mom knitted for him years ago, shapeless and faded but something he just couldn't part with. A good son and a sex god.
It was as if there were two Callies…the smarter, more sensible self (I pictured her as Michelle Obama), and the dopey, in love part…Betty Boop. Would that Michelle could detach right about now and administer Betty Boop a brisk slap, followed by some vigorous shaking. Alas, Betty just sat there, enthralled, as the First Lady, not usually prone to violence, snorted in disgust.
"Hi," I said, feeling my face warm. You'd think that four years of seeing him almost daily would have built up some tolerance in me, but no. My chest prickled with longing and love, my throat turned Saharan, my feet and fingers tingled. My expression was probably somewhere around Pathetic Adoration, though I was trying hard for Intelligent Coworker.
Mark leaned against my desk, which meant his crotch was, oh, let's see, about a foot and a half from my face, since I was seated. Not that I noticed, of course. "Happy birthday," he said, making it sound like the most intimate, most suggestive phrase in the world.
Face: nuclear. Heart: racing. Callie: half inch from orgasm. "Thanks."
"I got you a present, of course," he murmured in that voice…God, that voice. Low and soft and velvety…the same voice he used in the bedroom, as I well knew Yes, Mark and I had been together. For five weeks.
Fivewonderful weeks. Almost five and a half, if you really analyzed it. Which I had.
From his back pocket, he withdrew a small, rectangular package. My heart flopped as my brain raced with contradictory thoughts.Jewelry? Betty squealed. That means something. That's romantic. So romantic! Oh! My! God! On the other hand, Michelle advised caution. Calm down, Callie. Let's just see how this plays out.
"Oh, Mark! Thank you! You didn't have to," I said, my voice breathy.
On the other side of the glass-bricked wall that separated our offices, Fleur Eames slammed a drawer. The wall only went up ten feet; the ceilings were twelve, perfect for eavesdropping, and I guessed she was trying to snap me out of my daze. Fleur, a copywriter here at the firm, knew about my crush. I guess everyone did.
Clearing my throat, I reached for the package in Mark's hand. He held onto it for a minute, grinning before he let go. It was wrapped in cheerful yellow paper. Yellow is my favorite color. Did I tell him that once? Had he filed away that little fact the same way I filed away everything he ever told me? I mean, really, it could hardly be coincidence, right? He smiled down at me, and my racing heart stuttered, stalled, then revved into overdrive. Oh, God. Could it be? Did he finally want to get back together?
I'd worked at Mark's firm for the past four years. We were the only advertising and public relations agency in northeastern Vermont. Our staff was small — just Mark and me, Fleur, the office manager, Karen, and the two pale computer geeks in the art department, Pete and Leila. Oh, and Damien, Mark's personal assistant/receptionist/willing slave.
I loved my job. Excelled at my job, as proven by the large poster on my wall, which had very nearly won a Clio, the Oscar of advertising. Said Clio ceremony took place eleven months ago out in Santa Fe. And in that beautiful, romantic city, Mark and I had finally hooked up. But the timing wasn't right for a serious relationship. Well, that's what Mark said. Honestly, has a woman ever said that? Not a lot of twenty-nine-year-old women truly have timing issues when it comes to being with the man they love. No. It was Mark's timing that wasn't right.
But now…now a gift. Could it finally be that the time was right? Maybe now, on the very day my thirties began and I entered into that decade where a woman is more likely to be mauled by a grizzly bear than get married…maybe today really was the start of a new age.
"Open it, Callie," he said, and I obeyed, hoping he didn't notice my shaking fingers. Inside was a black velvet box. Squee! I bit my lip and glanced up at Mark, who shrugged and gave me that heart-stopping grin once more. "It's not every day my best girl turns thirty," he added.
"Oh, gack," sniped Damien, Mark's assistant, who appeared in the doorway. Mark glanced at him briefly, then turned his eyes back to me.
"Hi, Damien," I said.
"Hi." He stretched the word into three syllables of contempt…Damien had once again broken up with his boyfriend and currently hated love in all its forms. "Boss, Muriel's on line two."
Something flickered across Mark's face. Irritation, maybe. Muriel was the daughter of our newest client, Charles deVeers, the owner and founder of Bags to Riches. The company made outdoor wear from a combination of grocery bags and natural fiber. It was our biggest account yet, a huge deal for Green Mountain, most of whose clients were in New England. I'd only met Muriel once, and then only briefly, but Mark had been flying back and forth to San Diego, where the Bags to Riches was based. As part of the package, Charles had asked that Muriel come to Vermont and work as the account exec, so he could have someone close to him keeping tabs on things. And, as Charles was paying us gobs of money, Mark had said yes.
Mark didn't answer Damien, who was quivering with the joy of running Mark's day. "Boss?" Damien said, a bit more sharply. "Muriel? Remember her? She's waiting."
"So let her wait some more," Mark answered, tossing me a wink. "This is important. Open the damn box, Callie."
Damien sighed with the heavy drama that only a gay man can pull off and hustled down the hall.
Cheeks burning, I opened the velvet box. It was a bracelet, delicate silver strands that twisted and turned like ivy. "Oh, Mark, I love it," I whispered, running my finger over the intricate lines. I bit my lip, my eyes already misting with happy tears. "Thank you."
His expression was soft. "You're welcome. You mean a lot to me. You know that, Callie." He bent down and kissed my cheek, and every detail was immediately seared into my brain — his smooth, warm lips, the smell of his Hugo Boss cologne, the heat of his skin.
Hope, which had been lying in ashes for the past ten months, twitched hard.
"Think you'll make it to my party later on?" I asked, striving for perky and fun, not lustful and ruttish. My parents were throwing me a little bash at Elements, the nicest restaurant around, and I'd invited all my coworkers. No use in pretending; I was turning thirty, might as well get some presents. Mark straightened, then moved a pile of papers from the small couch in my office and sat down. "Um…Listen, I need to tell you something. You met Muriel, right?"
"Well, just that once. She seems…very…" Hm. She'd worn a killer black suit, had great shoes…kind of intense. "Very focused."
"Yeah. She is. Callie…" Mark hesitated. "Muriel and I are seeing each other."
It took a few seconds for that to register. Once again, I was that stupid deer, watching mutely as the pickup truck hurtled down the road. My heart slammed to a halt. For a second, I couldn't breathe. Michelle Obama stood by, shaking her head sadly, her fabulous arms crossed in regret. I realized my mouth was open. Closed it. "Oh," I heard myself say.
Mark looked at the floor. "I hope that doesn't cause you any…discomfort. Given our past involvement."
There was a white, rushing sound, like a river engorged with snowmelt and hidden debris. He was seeing someone? How could that be? If the timing was okay for Muriel…why not…Oh, crap.
"Callie?" he said.
Here's the thing about being hit by a truck. Sometimes those deer keep running. They just bound into the woods, sort of like they're saying, Whoo-hoo! That was close! Good thing I'm okay. Um…I am okay, right? Actually, you know what? I'm feeling a little strange. Think I'll lie down for a bit. And then they wake up dead.
Mark's voice lowered. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you."
Say something, the First Lady commanded. "No, no!" I chirruped. "It's…just…no worries, Mark. Don't worry." I seemed to be smiling. Smiling and nodding. Yes. I was nodding. "So how long have you been…together?"
"A couple of months," Mark answered. "It's…it's fairly serious." He reached out and took the bracelet out of the box, then put it on my wrist, his fingers brushing the sensitive skin there, making me want to jerk away.
In the many years I'd known Mark, he'd never dated anyone for a couple of months. A couple of weeks, sure. I thought five was a record, quite honestly.
Ah. My body was catching on to the fact that I'd just been slammed. My throat tightened, my joints buzzed with the flightresponse to danger, and a sharp pain lanced through my chest. "Right. Well. You know what? I have to get my license renewed! I almost forgot! You know…birthday. License. Renewal." Breathe, Callie. "Okay if I zip out for lunch a little early?" My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat again, studiously avoiding Mark's dark and now sorrowful eyes.
"Sure, Callie. Take all the time you need."
The kindness in his voice made me feel abruptly murderous. "I won't be long," I chirped. "Thanks for the bracelet! See you in a bit!"
With that, I grabbed my oversized pink hobo bag and stood up, excruciatingly careful not to brush against Mark, who still sat on my couch, staring straight in front of him. "Callie, I'm sorry," he said.
"No! Nothing to apologize for!" I sang. "Gotta run. They close at noon today. See ya later!"
Thirty minutes later, I stood in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and the effects of being emotionally run down by the man I loved — and now hated — but still loved — were catching up with me. Michelle Obama had abandoned me, regretfully acknowledging that I was beyond help, and Betty Boop was clamping her lips together and blinking back tears. Trying to keep the choo-choo train of despair at bay, I glanced around.
Gray, grimy tile floors. Dingy white walls. I stood in the middle of a line of about ten people, all of us listless and lifeless and loveless…or so it seemed.
The whole scene was like something out of some French existentialist play …Hell is not other people. Hell is the DMV. Robotic clerks shuffled behind the counter, clearly hating their lot in life and contemplating the easiest form of hari-kari or embezzlement so they could leave this grim place. The clock on the wall seemed to taunt me. Time's a'wastin', kid. Your life is passing you by. Happy fucking birthday.
My breathing started to quicken, my knees felt like a hive of angry bees. Tears burned in my eyes, and on my wrist, my stupid birthday present tickled. I should just rip it off. Melt it down into a bullet and kill Mark. Or myself.Or just swallow the bracelet whole and let it get tangled in my intestines and require emergency surgery and then have Mark come to the hospital and realize just how much he really loved me after all. Not that I would have him now. (Yeah, sure, Callie, said Mrs. Obama, making a reappearance. You'd eat a baby if it meant having him.) Well. Maybe not a baby. But the idea that Mark was with someone…for a couple of months, fairly serious…ah, shit! Panic loomed like the jaws of a great white shark, terrifying and unexpected. Stupid Muriel with her black hair and white skin, like some vampire in fabulous shoes…when the hell had they started dating? When, damn it?
Oh, crap. Should I go? No. I had to get my license renewed. Today was the last day I could do it without a fine. I'd picked out this wicked cute outfit, too — red and white printed blouse, big gold hoops, and my hair was perfect today, all shiny and swingy…Besides, what could I do? Sit in my car and wail? Kick a tree? Strangle a moose? I really wasn't the type. The only idea that held any appeal was that of sitting in my rocking chair and eating cake batter.
A dry sob raked my throat. Shit. Shit on a shingle. Shit on rye.
"Next," called one of the DMV drones, and we all shuffled forward six inches. The man behind me heaved an audible sigh.
Without another thought, I fumbled in my purse for my cell phone. Where was it? Where was it, damn it? Tampon…no. Book on CD…no. Picture of Josephine and Bronte, my nieces…even their beautiful faces failed to cheer me. Where was the phone? Ah. Here. I scrolled down to ‘Annie Doyle.' Damn! I got her voice mail. Somehow, it felt like a personal insult. How could my best friend be unavailable in my time of need? Didn't she love me anymore?
Clearly the choo-choo was chugging faster now — so I scrolled down for backup. My mom? God, no…this would just be confirmation that the Y chromosome should be erased from humanity. My sister? Not much better. Still, it was someone. Mercifully, Hester answered, even though I knew she was at work.
"Hester? Got a minute?"
"Hey, birthday girl! What's up?" My sister's voice, always on the loud side, boomed out of my phone, and I held it away from my ear.
"Hester," I bleated, "he's seeing someone! He gave me a beautiful bracelet and kissed me and then he told me he's seeing someone! For a couple of months and it's fairly serious, but I still love him!"
"Jesus, lady, get a grip," muttered the man behind me. Without thinking, I whirled around and glared. He raised a contemptuous eyebrow — jerk — but okay, yes, heads were starting to turn. Miraculously, no one I knew was here today…the DMV was in Kettering, the town next to Georgebury, so at least there was that.
"Is this Mark we're talking about?" Hester asked, as if I'd discussed any other man for the past year. Or two. Or four. Ah, shit!
"Yes! Mark is dating Muriel from California! Muriel, the daughter of our biggest client! Isn't that lovely?"
The man behind me cleared his throat in a very phony and noticeable way.
"Well, I always thought Mark was a smug bastard," Hester said.
"You're not helping!" I bit out. Why hadn't Annie picked up? She was so much better at this sort of thing. She was normal, not like Hester.
"Well, what should I say? He's a prince? Where are you, anyway?" Hester asked.
"At the DMV. In Kettering."
"Why are you at the DMV?"
"Because my license is about to expire! It was on my calendar — renew license.And I had to get out of there…I just didn't know what else to do." A sob caught in my throat. "Hester…I always thought…" I took a shuddering breath and tried to lower my voice. "He said it was just timing. He's never been serious with anyone before. And they've been together for months." The betrayal, the shock of those words made my chest actually hurt, and I pressed one hand against my swollen heart, feeling hot tears slice down my face.
The woman in front of me turned around. She had the leathery, lined face and broad shoulders of a dairy farmer. "You a'right, theah, deah?" she asked, her Vermont accent as thick as overboiled maple syrup.
"I'm fine," I answered in a shaky and rather unconvincing voice, attempting a brave smile.
"I ovahheard you, you poah thing," she said. "Men can be such ahssholes. My husband, Nahman we're talkin' about, he sits down to dinnah one day and says he wants a d'vorce on account a' he's been banging the secretary down at the creamery. And this when we've been married fahty-two yeahs."
"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry," I said, reaching out to hold her hand. She was right. Men were assholes. Mark was an asshole. I shouldn't be heartbroken over him. Except I loved the rat bastard. Oh, blerk!
"Hello? I'm still here, Callie," my sister reminded me sharply. "What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know, Hes…What do you think I should do?" I asked.
"Step outside?" suggested the man behind me.
"Damned if I know, Callie," she sighed. "The longest relationship I've ever had lasted thirty-six hours. Which you know," she said, her voice turning thoughtful, "has worked really well for me."
"Hes," I said wetly, "I'll be seeing them together every day." The notion made my heart clench.
"That's probably gonna suck," my sister agreed.
"You poah deah," said the older woman, squeezing my hand.
Work would never be the same. Green Mountain Media, the company that I helped build, would now be home to Muriel. Muriel. That was such a mean name! A rich girl's name! A cold and condemning name! Not like Callie, which was so bleeping friendly and cute!
A sob squeaked out, and Mr. Intolerant behind me grumbled. That was it. I whirled around. "Look, mister, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but I'm having a really shitty day, okay? Is that okay with you? My heart is breaking, okay, pal?"
"By all means," he said coolly. "Please continue with your emotional diarrhea."
Ooh. The bastard! He looked like the stick-up-the-butt type…dressed in a suit (and you know, please. This was Vermont). He had boring military style haircut, cold blue eyes and disdainful Slavic cheekbones. I turned back around. Clearlyhe didn't understand what love felt like. Love gone bad. Love rejected. My tender and loyal heart, broken.
That being said, he maybe had a point.
"I better go," I whispered to my sister. "I'll call you later, Hes."
"Okay. Sucks that it's your birthday today. But listen, if it's having babies you're worried about, don't bother. I can get you pregnant in a New York minute. I know all the best sperm donors."
"I don't want you to get me pregnant," I blurted.
"For God's sake," muttered Mr. Slavic Cheekbones. The older woman who'd been cuckolded looked questioningly at me.
"My sister's a fertility doctor," I explained. I closed my phone and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "She's very successful."
"Oh, that's nice," my dairy farmer friend replied. "My daughter did in vitro. She's gawt twins now. Foah yeahs old."
"That's wonderful," I said wetly.
"Next," droned the robot. Shuffle shuffle shuffle. The man behind me sighed again.
Images of Mark flooded my mind — our first kiss when I was only fourteen. Years later at work, him bending over my computer, his hand companionably on my shoulder. Getting nearly drunk on maple syrup just last week at a farm we were pitching. Our first kiss. The fateful airplane ride to Santa Fe. Did I mention our first kiss?
Hot tears leaked out of my eyes, and I sucked in a shuddering breath.
Suddenly, a neatly folded handkerchief appeared at the side of my head. I turned. Mr. Intolerance of the Cruel Cheekbones was offering me his handkerchief. "Here," he said, and I took it. It was ironed. It may have been starched. Who did that anymore? I blew my nose heartily, then looked at him again.
"Keep it," he suggested, looking over my head.
"Thank you," I squeaked.
"Next," one of the drones called from behind the counter. We shuffled forward once more.
An eternity later, I finally had a new license. Insult to injury…for however many years, I would look like an escaped lunatic…mascara puddled, face blotchy, smile wobbly and insincere. So much for my cute outfit.
As I fished my keys out of my bag, I saw the older woman standing near the exit, putting on those vast black sunglasses old folks wear after cataract surgery. My heart went out to her…at least my husband didn't cheat on me. Leave me after forty-two years. Crikey.
"Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" I asked.
"Who, me?" she asked. "No, sweethaht, I've gawt work to do. Good luck with everything, though."
On impulse, I gave her a hug. "Norman's an idiot," I told her.
"I think you're one smaht cookie," she said, patting my back. "That boyfriend of yaws doesn't know what he's missin'."
"Thanks," I answered, tears threatening again. My new friend gave me a wave and went out to her car.
My phone bleated. Mom. Great. "Happy birthday, Calliope!" she sang.
"Hi, Mom," I answered, wondering if she'd pick up anything from my leaden tone. She didn't.
"Listen, I have news. Dave just called. Elements burst a pipe and flooded."
Being housed in a one hundred-and-fifty-year-old industrial building, Elements was somewhat prone to this type of thing. "That's fine," I said. "I'm not really in the mood anyway." At least I wouldn't have to endure a birthday party. I could just go home and eat cake batter.
"Don't be silly," Mom trilled. "I've already called everyone. We're having your party here."
My heart sank. "Here? Where do you mean, here?"
"At the funeral home, honey. Where else?"