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  • Kristan Higgins

Great Moments in Toddlerhood

Updated: May 5, 2022

They trick you with their cuteness.

They trick you with their cuteness.

Tess Finlay is possibly my favorite character in LIFE AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES. She’s three years old and a holy terror, and drawn on some of the wee little friends I’ve met in my life as a cousin, babysitter extraordinaire, mommy, auntie and, as my kids like to call me, Creepy Baby Lady (in that I must say hello to every baby I encounter and compliment the parents on said child’s beauty, charm and intelligence).

The power radiates off of this one.

The power radiates off of this one.

Tess…she would try the patience of a saint. Her poor dad tries so hard to do right by her, but he’s at the point where a call to an exorcist sounds like the most logical course of action. I had to dig deep into my repressed memories for some of her actions, and damn, I had a great time doing it. I asked friends and relatives. I asked folks on social media. Because of course my own children were angels (cough), I had nothing to draw on from personal experience (I’m lying, of course, but they might be reading).

And so, without further ado, I present to you Great Moments in Toddlerhood.

They wouldn't ever…nope! They did.

They wouldn’t ever…nope! They did.

The time my now-adult brothers-in-law hid in the closet with their cat and decided to cut off its tail (my mother-in-law found them before the amputation occurred, so settle down)…

The time my ward retrieved his poop from the toilet and smeared it all over the walls as vengeance because I told him he had to wipe his own butt…

The summer when my exceedingly adorable cousin would lure unsuspecting adults to his side with his sweet smile and then say in one breath, “I-know-a-bad-word-shit.”…

They look safe when they're sleeping. Don't be fooled.

They look safe when their eyes are closed.         Don’t be fooled.

The time a ward climbed on the second-story roof of the house during a game of hide-and-seek (he won, and I aged twenty years)…

The time a certain child I may or may not have birthed smooshed a chocolate muffin into the shape of feces and left it in a supermarket aisle “for the old ladies to find, Mommy!”…

Goodbye, sleep!

Goodbye, sleep!

The time a little girl rubbed superglue through her long, silky hair and then had a tantrum because she kept pulling her own hair as she tried to jerk her hands free…

The time a little girl was put in a grocery cart and then bellowed, “Mommy! You hurt my labia!” (so much for teaching them anatomy)…

The time the boys chased the cat with a stick, and then, when told not to chase the cat with the stick, chased it with a rake instead.

Ah, kids! They’re the best, aren’t they? And to all of you who are childless by choice, I hope you enjoyed this post most of all. And hey, if you had or have a toddler who matches Tess’s antics, I would LOVE to hear your stories.


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