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  • Kristan Higgins

I just love your home.

There are certain décor trends I never understood. Some trends are classic—midcentury modern, Craftsman bungalows, a home library. And then there are the things that just bewilder me. Everyone has their own taste, of course, but there are some things that…well, that just don’t make sense.

For example…the hand chair. Why? Who would want to sit here, and even more bewildering, who would want to see this every day? I get it…it’s a joke. Your ass, a fake hand, hahahaha. And also…why? Apparently, these are very much in demand these days, for reasons unclear to me.

The mint green or bright pink tiled bathroom. My mother-in-law currently has a mint-green tiled bathroom. When I’m washing my hands in there, I glance at the mirror and suddenly wonder if I’m in liver failure. Happily, she’s moving soon. The pink tiled bathrooms are the exact color of Pepto-Bismol. Maybe they were matching their tile to Pepto-Bismol intentionally… “Drink it! It’s fine! Look, it’s the same color as our bathroom.”

The giant fork and spoon. Are we waiting for a giant to come visit? Is it a reminder not to eat with our hands? My siblings and I took piano lessons from a very nice lady who had a giant fork and spoon hanging in her kitchen. When it wasn’t our turn for the lesson, we’d sit in the kitchen and do homework…or in my case, stare at the giant wooden utensils hanging on the wall and feel hungry.

The papasan chair. Dearest Son had one of these. I never knew how to sit in it, or why I should. I’m not a cat. When I sit in a chair, I want to read, write, watch a movie, not curl in a ball and lick myself.

Round beds. To sleep, perchance to roll off the bed and end up on the floor. Again, perfect for a cat, very ill-suited to a human, unless it’s a tiny human, and how would they get on and off the bed? With a ladder?

Ducks with bows around their necks. Okay, for one, why are the ducks all dressed up? Where are they heading? Who tied the ribbons around their necks? Don’t they feel a little constricted? What is the message of the Duck with the Bow? It feels vaguely threatening, like my hostess will strangle me, too, if I step out of line.

Fake fruit. I always felt like this was a subtle IQ test. If you fondled the grapes to see if they were real, you failed. If you ate a fake grape, you were taken to the hospital. But I wonder…why the fake fruit? Are you on a special diet where fruit is banned, but you miss fruit so much that you go out and buy this? Or are you just trying to trick people?

Spine-in books. To the designer who invented this look so all could be beige, I have a question. Did you ever read a book? Do you want to fondly remember that book when you see it on your shelf? Maybe loan it to a friend? Hiding books so you can see paper…honey, just buy some blank reams of paper, and voila! Now you don’t look like a book-hater.

Chair in the closet. I’m thinking of my friend’s house. She has a ginormous closet about the size of my bedroom. There’s a chair so she can…so she can what? Take a break after getting dressed? Invite people in to watch get dressed? Throw stuff on the chair, despite the vast number of drawers, hooks, closets, racks and baskets in that same closet? Or is this just for when you’re hiding from company and want to read a book? Or for when your pet tiger wants to read a book?

Breakfast nook. Like a restaurant, but less comfortable. I’ve never sat in a comfortable breakfast nook. I always bump into the table while attempting to slide in. Why do we have to eat breakfast here? Why can’t we eat in the car, like normal people, or standing over the kitchen sink? I always feel like a kid who’s been sent to time-out when I’m told to sit in a breakfast nook.

Looking around my home, I see many things that will go out of style. Our round metal side table will probably make our kids howl with laughter someday. The jute rugs, the bright yellow chair from IKEA. The leather stools. It’s hard to make timeless choices, I know. And listen. If you have these things in your home, I’m sure it’s very tastefully done, and I’d be very happy to visit. But I think we can all agree that carpeted bathrooms have got to go.


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