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  • Kristan Higgins

What could possibly go wrong?

Updated: May 4, 2022


sigh

I think it’s clear by now that I’ll buy just about any beauty product. My latest, however, was something of a disaster, but being a discerning consumer has never been a strength of mine. Yes, I bought Baby Soft Foot Peel (and have zero regrets), and the ice pack for my eyes that resulted in near-frostbite. The acid scrub that left me unable to go into the sunlight for a week. The self-tanning lotion that made me look like a Dust Bowl farmer during the Depression.


But today was probably the worst.


toothbrush

There’s a disconnected between store-me in the store and home-me. Several months ago, I saw this little product. “Ooh! Charcoal tooth whitening powder!” I exclaimed, showing the Princess. “Want to try it with me?”


“No,” said she.


“Your loss,” I said, tossing it in the cart. When we got home, I put it away and promptly forgot about it, as one does.


This morning, I rediscovered it and thought, “What could possibly go wrong?”


9:35: Open the packet to discover they weren’t kidding about charcoal. Realize this will make a great blog and grab phone for pictures.


9:36: Dip brush in and get to work.


9:37: Surprise McIrish with big smile (he has since generously agreed to stay married).


hilarity ensues

9:38: Read instructions, and learn that I was supposed to keep my mouth closed, not trot around the house, laughing and drooling.


9:39: Spit. Rinse. Spit. Spit some more. Rinse more. Note my resemblance to a 19th-century coal miner.


9:42: Wonder why spit is still gray and if teeth will remain blackened forever.


9:43: Rinse with regular old chemical-rich mouthwash. Feel gums begin to burn.


9:44: Notice that spit is now pink.


cheese!

9:45: Curse self for being so gullible.


9:46: Brush teeth with Crest.


9:48: Floss. Brush again.


9:50: Check tooth color. No discernible difference.


9:51: Clean up bathroom, which is spattered with black powder and spit. Throw away pajamas (don’t worry, I have a backup pair).


9:52: Chastise self once again for buying what is essentially snake oil.


11:44: Write blog. : )


I’ll be off next weekend, eating turkey sandwiches with my family. Happy, happy Thanksgiving, my friends!

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